Two years ago 8/31/14 at approximately 10:45am I unexpectedly began a new chapter in my life. Two years ago. Sometimes it feels like time has flown by and other times it feels like a lifetime. I remember thinking and writing about how I wanted to fast forward so badly to bypass all of the hard times. I wanted to get through the pain, discomfort and all of the change as quickly as possible. SO, here I am two years later thinking, “Am I where I thought I would be two years after the accident?” The short answer to that is no. I didn’t understand the complexities or recovery from a brain injury and losing an eye. I just wanted to get “back” to my life as I knew it. Two years later I recognize that there is no going back, there is only me moving forward with the new me. There also is no fast forwarding because we must live through and fully absorb all of life’s experiences whether they be positive or negative. Dealing with the hard shit is not fun but, dealing with it all head on has gotten me to where I am today.
My doctor asked how I would be spending the day of the anniversary of the accident and I said I didn’t know. He said that I must claim the day as mine and own it. I must do whatever I want to do with it. If I want to ignore it, ignore it. If I want to celebrate it, celebrate it. Today I thought a lot about all that we have endured. I looked at pictures and videos beginning with the day of the accident to the present day. IT all made me realize what I want to do 8/31/16. It will be a day that I celebrate Resilience, Strength, Courage and Love. Resilience because I realize that nothing can keep me down. There most certainly are things that can slow me down and make me pause but nothing will keep me down. I have more fight in me than I ever dreamed imaginable. Strength and Courage often times came from unknown places. At my darkest hours I had to dig deep when I was about to reach my breaking point. The strength and courage came from a variety of sources. Sometimes from within, sometimes from a loved one and other times from a higher power. The days when I was so down that it was hard for me to get up from the bed I played a song called, I Smile. The lyrics spoke to me, often bringing tears to my eyes and giving me the strength I needed to get up.
Today’s a new day, but there is no sunshine
Nothing but clouds, and it’s dark in my heart
And it feels like a cold night
Today’s a new day, where are my blue skies
Where is the love and the joy that you promised me
Tell me it’s alright
I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain
Fell from heaven like a shower
I smile, even though I hurt see I smile
I know God is working so I smile
Even though I’ve been here for a while
I smile, smile
It’s so hard to look up when you been down
Sure would hate to see you give up now
You look so much better when you smile, so smile
Lastly, I’ll celebrate love because I’ve been surrounded by unconditional love throughout. When times got hard the love was stronger than ever. I will never forget how that made me feel.
The journey the last two years has been a difficult one. For a time there was no light at the end of the tunnel now I know there is a bright light because I can see it. I just don’t know how the light will shine on me. My focus is to continue to work hard and give my recovery 110% effort. If I do that I can not go wrong.
I’ve shared so much through my posts these past two years. I re-read some of my posts and damn I was HONEST and shared a lot! I had to laugh. Naturally the frequency of the posts has decreased over the past six months. As I’ve moved forward emotionally the progression has led to me processing more privately. Everything need not be shared at this point. So, this is it for me. I may come back to it at some point in the future but for now I’m saying Adios to, “My Accidental One-Eyed World.”
It’s been good to me. So, good to me. Putting my thoughts down on paper helped me so much. The feedback and support was incredible. CaringBridge and WordPress saved me on many occasions. Thank you so much.
Here is a quick last update:
- I golfed!! Just nine holes but I did it. I was scared, anxious, nervous, nauseous and every other feeling you might imagine but I did it. I had to do it and I’m glad I did. And yes, as crazy as it might sound I would do it again in a heartbeat.
- I fell and damaged the tendons and ligaments in my wrist. I have to wear a splint for three weeks. So, not being able to use my right arm combined with not being able to see on my left has been a real pain in the ass.
- Getting another eye in a couple of weeks. On my fourth one now as the fit just hasn’t been right. Getting a mold of your eye socket is awful. Can’t wait to not do that again for several years.
I’ll close by saying that I’m so appreciative of you all. Thank you for taking this crazy ride with me. May our journeys be eventful, full of love and pain free!!